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Friday, May 31, 2013

So Much in one Week

I am rather amazed that these photos were taken one week ago in Cowes..
So much has happened both externally & internally in that week

 Yes, It is a reflective moment...
as the sea dances before my eyes..
I sink into a reviere ...
Take a seat, 
not sure how long this will take ...

 The sea gull is hanging off every word...


Last week I travelled to the city & it gave me answers
I had been really wrestling with..
Forks in the road...
Which way should I go.???
What if this is the wrong way...
I am so aware that once we change direction..
we have changed within..
things change us..
never can we go back to who we were...

I am wanting to begin again, 
To renew myself
To fill gaps that have finally been left as old things were raised to the surface.
Buried & carried forever really...

These all came in different ways...
One thinks one has dealt with an old wound to find it has just been covered over with scar tissue...

An old friend asks a question 
and 
it was time to tell that story.
As I spoke I felt what the emotion had done to me at the time..
There were times my voice cracked..
I heard myself say
"sorry"
as I recovered my voice..
Why in the world did I say sorry for something that had hurt so much and was so scarey and the experience in total had altered one part of my life forever..

I don't think secrets stay under the covers... 
we adapt to them 
we never play a full game in life.. 
handicapped from then on .. 
like a horse race sort of handicap.

Much more has been excavated from other means in the matter of one week, two weeks... one month..etc..
I found myself flaying about as if I had been dropped way out to sea...
I couldn't understand why ???
I was in so need comfort.. 
but what sort I was blindly seeking I had no idea...

Then only 3 days ago, on that long drive from here to there..
I was doing some "book writing in my head"
And 
I understood 
the reasons..
why I felt so out to sea...
I had removed big chunks of buried stuff in a matter of a couple of months
Memories with emotions attached would swim just below the surface
with an overlay of another life over them ... 
things I never, I guess wanted to be reminded of..
But there they were.. 
just whenever..

Bit like when we stare into the sea... &
 view the 
shells under water, 
& the 
seaweed moves.. 
It has it's own rhythm..

Pull out a shell & sand fills the gap 
as the sea washes & it all changes shape...
That is what is now happening...
I am changed...again..
It feels good & I understand how I felt so lost..
Those forks in the road..
I know which road to wander down now...
but 
you know
I stand staring down the road..
hesitant..
there are new challenges...
...now I am certain
I am ready for some more challenges for myself
to gather life with both hands
scoop it up..
bring with it..
courage...
laughter...
sunshine..
light...
success...
I have this yearning to live differently..
to give up much to maybe experience who I am now ???

A view of the water in an old apartment..
maybe..I have seen what maybe & it draws me in... 
would I be too disappointed 
if this was not what happened..
still wary of that..
disappointment
But you know 
I do not want to settle for second best anymore
I want to live this life 
The BEST Way That I Can..




Thursday, May 30, 2013

MOVING

Moving things around
Yesterday there was a huge event taking place in my lounge 
It was cold enough to light the fire..
Apart from having all the trappings
I needed to race off to buy matches...
thought I had some...
but gave up the hunt for them !
Fire lighting 
also meant moving furniture
and then that meant 
rearranging 
as I moved stuff.
It's fun.
So now I have my write's table
by the sunshine windows.
as the autumn turns to winter..
&
I have made a huge sweeping commitment
to write the book 
I have talked of doing for 11 years.
It will be a different book in many ways
than what I had set out to write..
Much that has 
shaped who I have become from early days until now do..
need to have a place in the print.

Along with inspiring others to take a road 
that may be different to that of all known friends & aquaintances..
I guess I have put off some of it 
as it is not all about rejoicing the great fantastic & ordinary..
it has some strong autumn tinges of other stuff..
It is how I tick....
Like an old french clock on a huge wall..
keeping perfect time no matter what the seasons... 
observing much
finding answers
doing things that challenge me..
finding places..people.. & things..
Who will come on this journey with me 
I wonder

Love the Autumn


This morning a beautiful golden vista in Bendigo..
a light rain fell..
a silence sang..

 For me I can stare at golden leaves in autumn for ages...
  I love it too when the
 trees become scantily clad...
A stay over with most of my must get items done yesterday...
I required some fabric stiffener..
Found some small foam brushes...
 Frame for some work...
&
A one to one workshop last night...
it was such fun.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Washed & Weathered


Smoothed 
from a life 
of washing 
against the world
 such interesting worn bits..
knicks..
little holes..
but 
a peace...
don't you think ?


Life is like this ...
as age happens..
sometimes a curse 
& other times 
a rejoicing
live continues
to wash 
against one's soul..
*** 
 I am drawn to the earth's edge..often.
Something it gives back...
I no longer now have the need
to live by the beach
But
I do have the need to visit it....




Saturday, May 18, 2013

Paring Down

I am paring down again...
It is the excess weight this time..
but..
as I say that..
I am paring down in many ways..
excess baggage..
magazines are passed on..
Books too...
things...
but I am really enjoying
seeing some better shape return to my body.
You know you almost give up...
( that is internal excess bags..)
A series of things
were set in place..
not by my design..
as was when I started to emotional feed.
it just happened !!!
Now with a few adjustments
one being a hard walk from a day I got incredible angry with a dear dear friend...
that released a lot of baggage in one lovely piece of writing..
I reclaimed my spirit... my focus..
my strong under current determination..
And things began to measure up much better...
So happy..
I also feel much better especially after the walk..
today is a glorious morning...
and the walk was a longer one..
each time my body struggles less..
& I feel stronger..
That and a few less things on the plate...
although I noted how fast that crept back in last week as I worked on a little hard problem..
there there it said eat a chocolate....add that extra yummy bit to the plate..
So I walked harder....
and here I am...
Now I am going to pare down some other things that are weighing me down...
It's so exciting...

Friday, May 17, 2013

Swans on my way in yesterday


Been away to Daylesford...
What a countryside contrast...
I was in the hills, trees laden with golden leaves... distinct chill in the air..
Winter in it's colder spots..
Loved it..
There is something refreshing about the first chill coming off the snow enough kilometers for it not to impede the daily routine.
One needs proper winter woolies though...sheep are so generous giving up such gorgeous warm fleece..
while they shiver in those wide open spaces....or swelter in summer.

On a whim whilst the day was  heading into an early evening..
I had a physic reading.. on my way back to the car after posting some parcels..

My my was I blown away with what is me !
My palm has a lot of data imprinted on it !!!
Things if one was having a mild guess would not hit..I think.
How I move & the urge to be at the beach, then the country & later closer to a city...
and that I'll move more... ( of course I knew that ! ) 
The artistic lifestyle & way of viewing the world  and a long lifeline..
Gives me so much grace...to pursue more.
++++++++
Amazing... I came out of there with a n overall view of who I am..the sum of all the parts..
it was such a morale boost...I felt I had arrived !!! If you get what I mean...

I must admit today I have been flat... a little news after I arrived in last night..
the external things that intrude into my peace...
Also when one has been away...
coming back 
is always an adjustment.
So adjust I shall...
a shower with my divine Italian soaps...I still have those in my life.... it is that delicious defined perfume & suds..that start my days...love them & how t makes me feel ...
I think a boiled egg & some toast..
will be fodder for my soul today...
a brisk walk...
a little sweeping & mopping
unpacking my bags...
&
 then I will find the paint brush....
it's nice to live this way but there are times..
adjusting back seems kind of boring !
Oh well today is not the day to make plans
I am too too irrational..
Enjoy the swans I found on the trip in late yesterday
in a field that had the last of the water irrigation allocation...on it..


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

A New View...

Do you ever find that one day you see something...
read something....
and
the view becomes so clear...


It amazes you that you have never seen the ordinary daily view
like that before...
glimpses of course...

This view frees the heart 
the soul in just one look...


You are able to view further along now 
see all those silly weeds 
can be 
cleared quickly
and 
a pathway once it has been cleared...
and 
see you later 
I am off to explore 
this lovely, lovely 
openness
to see where it can take me..

Saturday, May 11, 2013

I almost forget...

Yesterday I drove to the next larger town for some supplies
and
found a DVD...
with Maggie Smith, Billy Connolly etc..good cast 
Directed by Dustin Hoffman
in ( his debut)
QUARTET
is the movie...
Brilliant...it is a retirement home for opera musicians..
it is a feel great movie for baby boomers.
It paves ways to see the world with renewed eyes...
It has an under title
On Growing old /Feeling younger
I enjoyed the interviews as much as the movie.
Dustin Hoffman is 73 or 74 when he directed this & his approached was unique, risky & by gosh it worked..
It is so fantastic to see age in this light.
I am so young in comparison..
**
 
So what did I come here to 
talk of..... ?????
Growing Old & Feeling Younger...

 
Creativity as a way of life gives one some unique views of the world.
It is Mother's Day today..
I am not a mother.
My own Mother is dead..
So fluffy slippers & chocolates and having family embrace a mother
is not something I do.

 
What was interesting on Friday...
a lovely shop assistant asked if I was doing something special at the weekend.
I thought " when is the weekend??" 
(working for oneself with one's own hours weekends are any of the days between Monday & Sunday)
"No I say...& shrug ..."
"You will enjoy your Mother's day... "
ASSUMPTION
( we really should be aware of the assumption for so many reasons.. 
younger women wanting so badly to be a Mum, 
the women who gave up babies for forced adoption....
Mum's who have lost their only child
women whose Mum's have passed on...
etc etc )
But I thought for one second, then said
I am not a mother
and my Mother is dead. 
I thought it was time to give one the right answer...
to these endless commercial days...
which are nearly akin to a CLUB...
for all the like people..
Marketing at it's best it has convinced the society...
Now why am I rattling on like this...?
growing older.... LOL
The core of life is about being unique, and being able to be that in society.
Growing into a teenager in 1960 the changes were profound for women...each week we edged closer to being unique individuals..
not a bulk packaged of expected outcomes...
that most of us were not....
Being on the cusp of a major change some were, as our parents & the education & the church did hope...
But,many of us... we just did some amazing break throughs
Baby boomers have that energy...
if perhaps they strove for a better deal...back then...has given them an insight into it can happen if one sets out to seek & find !
& the Movie QUARTET just brought that home again...
There is no NORMAL ...
it is far far more fun to make it what you will & having some like minded company is better...best.. ?


Monday, May 6, 2013

I hear maybe an owl

I best explain this amazing work of art I had in my lounge...
on loan...
while the wood heater that sits below was taken off for repair.
Imagine my surprise after the men left I strolled into the lounge expecting the flue to have been removed also..
to see this amazing work of art.
It had a certain real artistic quality & I think in a huge art space or garden it would be stunning.
I am not being smart in saying that...
At night something of a monotone half barks ... stops if one goes to listen outdoors
Maybe it is an owl...
they do live in the area & I have certainly heard them in summer.
It seems to be too constant for a small bark of a dog...
Maybe it is a bird...ah there is a tall cypress tree nearby...
Be kind of nice to see it though !

The days are cooling down ..and my electric blanket has found it's way back on the bed,
and
firewood has been ordered...
an electric heater has been pulled from storage...
&
I keep falling asleep on the couch at night
IF
I don't do anything with my hands...
I gave myself whiplash last week ... sitting there upright..
head swaying about...
.......
On that note I will go before I say way too much ! 

Friday, May 3, 2013

Puff ...& they scatter

Sometimes what we view as a bunch of weeds...
come to be pictures with much beauty & detail..
These are stars within stars..
I was walking along the creek & channel banks... there are both together...under the gum trees, some I walked under as a teenager.. they are still there...as are a lot of the native vegetation.
Wonder ...ing now what does that all mean?
Not much I guess...but give me time...

There has been an amazing series I think is the better word for what has happened...in the past month or so..
Progress of a much different kind...
sometimes though I stand still
&
sometimes I need to talk it through with special friends..
....
In my creative business there has been a huge shift & I never saw that coming...
Very excited for myself...
bit scared it is like these dandelions things puff of wind & it is all scattered..but that is also a normal feeling
as the 
compass rebalances.
Eciting, thrilling, scarey & try to remain calm..try to ctrique each event..
&
where is this leading me too????